The world is prettier to a Frenchman

The second day in Nancy, the fifth one in France. I am grateful for a lot. There seems to be nothing to complain about – nothing worth mentioning, anyway. All the people around me are full of respect, though our differences are obvious. It is easy to get work done here, there is room to breathe. I also seem to be learning to tolerate the French more and more every day ;).

I feel reaching out to God has been easier, too. To a great deal sharing faith with Salla-Maaria has helped in that. Really trusting is truly tricky still, though. (I would like to trust that God will give me that trust, but that seems awful lot like circular reasoning.) How to treat the agnostic in me, that boldly proclaims to be more honest than the believer? How to treat the believer in me, that nonetheless in everyday life continuously shows that life is not worth the while without believing?

Today the weather has been nice, too.

Want to see the below photos larger? Trip photos in Flickr or slideshow

Departure

Hanging around chez Malla and Veikko, my two theologian friends. I am no longer sure if there are anything but secular elements in my thinking any longer, and still I feel no conflict between us. Who is denying what?

Yesterday, Don Johnson Big Band (and at times also the guy who was beatboxin’) was awesome at Ihmistulva, I enjoyed jumping around a lot.

Also otherwise, yesterday was pretty relaxing. Met Tapio during daytime, bought a couple of ciders, had time to just enjoy my own company and feel that I am stronger by myself than I used to be.

University courses have started, and now life consists of balancing my schedule between the courses and my thesis.

I miss mystery, I miss diving together into where everything is unsure, I miss connection without condition. Why can’t people be more free? Why can’t they let go of prejudice? (Of course then you would ask, whether I have.)

There would be air

After returning to Finland time has just passed, it seems. My work with Moodle, the thesis about Moodle, and the relationship with Minna have filled my mind. At the moment I am in a flu, so that makes it easier to stop and to look around me. I miss several of my friends, and hope they do not think I have abandoned them since I have not had strength to keep in touch. :)

I mostly have the experience in life that if I just concentrate, I can master pretty much anything I am motivated to take on. But I seem to exhaust myself so easily. Life offers too many challenges. Some I accept because of interest; some because of a sense of duty. Over time I have learned to understand my fears and that work continues.

But at the moment, freedom seems distant. Feeling somehow old. Work with Moodle is finding a balance in all of its challenges, and once I get out of this flu I will again find it inspiring. Still, I feel I need to broaden my horizons again. To find an entirely new perspective (how many can there be?). To make myself more involved in real life, whatever that will mean this time around.

To reach out for the God, who I still hope is looking for me, for my strength to hold on to him is pretty marginal at this point.

I am enjoying life with Minna. Mostly, she understands my weaknesses well and I think it goes both ways. We find it easy to spend relaxed time together, while facing difficulties rather directly. It seems balanced, and genuine.

But where is this headed?

Edit 21 September 2011: Link added to thesis

Amazed

The last night in Metz.

I’ve been inviting people to see me during the last week for several occasions, and despite me trying to organize things, everybody came tonight. The surprise was great – I would have been stressed about it had I known beforehand. The party ended just minutes ago, and I feel I had nothing to do with organizing it. Vincent brought chairs, some drank tea, some vodka, some wine, some beer, but nobody seemed too drunk at any time (some pistachio shells flew around the room during the night though). I offered everything I had in the cabinets (pistachios, sunflower seeds, eggs, soup, …) and people brought their own stuff. Lukas made omelettes. Some French people joined in at one point of the evening.

They gave me a book with photos and writings and drawings from everybody as a gift, and I feel like I have gotten way much more attention than I ever could have deserved. I feel too glad about it all to be cynical, it was beautiful. They made me sad for the fact that I am leaving so soon. :) There was quite a mess here but people cleaned up before they left and told me they’re coming again at eight in the morning to help me clean up! (The cleaner lady will organize an inspection at ten in the morning.) Wow.

Tomorrow to Poland, at around 17 hours.

Flu w/ love, sunshine

It feels really spring-like in Metz, already. So finally I feel like it was worth it to come to northern France also because of the weather (the autumn was pretty bad). The flu is doing good to me, too. Slowing me down when I don’t have the guts to do it by myself.

Otherwise: thesis writing, talking with Minna and other friends online, preparing for my trip to Paris with Eeva this weekend.

I am slightly bothered about Facebook taking over my blog; status updates and all the social interaction engages me so much nowadays that actually writing even just a bit longer posts seems irrelevant. I’ve already expressed it all in IM discussions and status updates, so blogging feels like repetition. Maybe I should just start using this blog for something more substantial than my personal whining, since that seems to have a better arena in Facebook nowadays.

On the other hand, Facebook does it by great social UI design, so maybe I will just be happy. I still hope very much that an open platform that does it even better will supercede them soon.

During being in my current flu, I have learnt to use Twitter better (by adding the friends of friends who seemed the most interesting) and it actually seems some use at the moment.

Also, I took Flock into use today and the integrated experience actually seems pretty nice. I am blogging this from Flock. The UI does not seem to allow setting a category for the posting though so I will have to go to wordpress to fix the language category for this, after all. I’ll take that back: the Flock editor asks for the category after pressing Publish. I still have to check which categories I have used from my blog page, though, since I cannot remember all the categories this might fit into.

At times the flock UI is very cluttered and as my screen is only 1024 pixels wide, adding a sidebar to that makes many modern sites scroll. I actually think that is the fault of modern web design and not that of Flock.

IRC stylez

Topic for #väsyneet: TODELLA hämmentävää!!! ->  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjE0Kdfos4Y

Jag tycker så också!

Fool’s Garden: Suzy <3

En ollu tajunnu, että sille on viteo tehty, biisistä oon pitäny pidempäänki. Muitakin kyseisen porukan videoita nautin ilolla sieltä.

Eile oltii Mauden, Mathilden ja Christophin kanssa “metal-keikalla”. Minusta tuo oli kyllä kovin poprokkia tai korkeintaan hardrokkia metalliksi (aiheen asiantuntijat korjatkoon). Löysin siellä esiintyvän Mypolluxin Coffre à Souhaits -biisin etukäteen, joten päätin mennä mukaan ilmaiskeikalle – mistään kovemmasta metalista tuskin olisin nauttinut. Lopulta toinen bändi, jonka nimeä en ole vielä vaivautunut selvittämään, oli parempi.

Ajattelin ottaa tulevan viikon GTD:n ja de Mellon syventämiseen, nyt kun sain yhden ranskan aineen kirjoitettua niin ei paina sekään.

Hiljattain, hiljalleen

Totuudesta ei voi puhua, voi puhua vain totuuden esteistä on usein mystikkojen, ja myös de Mellon, suusta kuultu lause. Eipä sillä kai sinänsä väliä, mutta en ole ihan varma, olenko sen kanssa samaa mieltä. Onko kaikki viisaus sitten totuuden esteistä puhumista, tai olivatko Jeesuksen sanat vain sitä, tai onko humanistinen ymmärrys tai insinöörien sitä? Ehkä halveksun staattisia faktoja vähän liikaakin, enkä vaivaudu muistamaan paljon mitään mikä ei tunnu oleelliselta, elämässä kiinni olevalta.

Silti koen tämän vapauttavana: en ole vangittu etsimään mitään staattista totuutta ja voin suhtautua entistä vähemmän vakavasti liian varmoin julistuksin uskostaan puhuvien ajatuksiin. Silti: Elämä on dynaamista, ja juuri siinä vaikkapa Jeesuksen sanat kaikessa elämänmakuisuudessaan ovat edelleen relevantteja? Pysyä uskollisena Jumalalle, jota ei ymmärrä, taantumatta yksisilmäisyyteen…

Parisuhteet on jänniä asioita. Pysyttelen vielä kaukana, koen entistä enemmän, että ehkä juuri se ajattelun vapaus, epävarmuus, tila jota palavasti kaipaan ja jota yritän jaella ympärilleni, on minussa myös vaikein asia. (Jos tämä, epävarmuus, on eksyksissä oloa, niin olenpahan sitten todella syvästi – minusta kumminkin näyttää enemmänkin siltä, että tämä on mitä erilaisimpiin eksymisiin itsensä väkisin sitomisen välttämistä.)

Ja pelkään jotenkin, että kaikki on sekavaa kaikissa parisuhteissa, mutta ehkä olen vain sattunut kokemaan sitä tähänastisissa liikaa. Ei se ole minussa, se on ollut välillämme. Sekoittumista se on ainakin paljon: jos olen liian lähellä toista, on haaste pitää myös omasta, erillisestä identiteetistä kiinni. Kommunikaatiotaidot, kielitaidot, yhteensopivuus ja erikseen vielä parisuhdetaidot, äh äh äh, parisuhdeliike-elämää.

En ymmärrä lojaalisuutta, joten miten voisin sitoutua? Silti käytännössä koen sitoutuvani ihmisiin. Ja ainakin teoriassa: jään tähän, koska tässä on hyvä, ja (jos tunnen itseni) mitä pidemmäksi jään, sitä varmemmalta näyttää, että olen tässä siihen asti, kunnes kuolet tai kuolen. En ymmärrä lupauksia, koska ne eivät tuo mitään todellista turvaa: mistä minä kuitenkaan tiedän, minkälainen ihminen olen kymmenen vuoden kuluttua, tai mihin minua kutsutaan, ja mistä sinä voit sitä myöskään tietää? Vai merkitsisikö lupauksesi pysyä kanssani sitä, että jätät elämättä, jos se on ristiriidassa lähellä olemisen kanssa? En minä sellaista halua pyytää.

Ja nautiskelen vielä Danielin kirjoitusten seassa olevasta Suvaitsevaisuudesta (PDF 253 kt).

“Happily graduated 19th grade”

Taking my little brother to school today morning, I found it funny that I was unsure whether to identify with the kids in the yard – my little brother’s friends and the others – or with the teachers there, who I then realized, were pretty much the same physical age as me. And in that moment, I greatly enjoyed allowing myself to stick with roles of the kids, and thinking that if those teachers were not on duty, they could join us, too.

Also, even before that, as we entered the yard, I first saw the other kids in roles, in which I saw other pupils, when I was in comprehensive school myself. But then, I was not a pupil anymore now. I was something everybody else in the yard probably considered an adult. I seemed to have power over the kids, some sort of a strange respect, though it seemed to me I was not at all sure they were not wiser than me, in all their living in the moment.

Kids assume being subordinate to adults, since in practical life, adults often can handle things better. (Too bad if the adults a kid identifies with are not healthy.) But kids are better at being happy and unassuming, only occasionally being interrupted by their parents or by other adults. To grow up successfully is to remain without worry, although life around you becomes more challenging, and possibly more boring and more scary?

To be an adult is to stand straight up and not shiver when others talk to you, and to show who you are – convincing other adults you are something “more” than a kid now. This is how you get things that adults appreciate.

Adjust

I organized most my papers today so I know pretty much what I am taking with me. For once, Coldplay’s music matches my mood.

The contrast is somehow very strong at the moment: I am strong but I am so weak.

During the past months, I have further and further learned how to keep hold of myself, how to avoid bending too much and making too many compromises. Still, I am so often a leaf that just shivers. I am hoping this will keep me honest, at least. Any time I try to identify with something seemingly too strong, I just get lost, since it is not real. I need to be strong in weakness. But whose weakness, whose strength is that?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I quote this even though it seems I am distant from the weakness (or the boasting) Paul is talking about. I have gone far from the context of faith again myself, but still reading the Bible felt good now that chatting with Minna got me browsing around.

Every Bunny Needs Some Bunny

Came from Tokyo a week ago (also photos now online). Below are the assorted ramblings from the trip, written mostly last week’s Saturday the 15th. The title of the posting is a writing on a t-shirt I saw in Tokyo (no, I couldn’t get it with me, someone was wearing it). By the way Bemmu is planning to have a similar trip next year, if you’re interested.

On the morning of the day we flew, my mom called me that there’s a Typhoon in Japan. I got a bit scared but nevertheless we took off. Once we arrived to Narita airport, the Typhoon was said to already have passed Tokyo. I misplaced my passport for a while but eventually found it in a wrong pocket. A bit later, the airport loudspeaker announced some flight being late, “we are sorry for any convenience”. Welcome to the land of Engrish.


The ryokan, a hostel kind of a traditional, simple housing, was sufficient and actually rather cozy :). There’s a shower and an ok toilet. The room, shared with three other guys from the group I’m traveling, has air conditioning (not in all rooms I hear). The air conditioner and the shower both had control panels which allowed setting the temperature in celcius grades. The controls were in Japanese though so it took a bit of trial and horror ;).

On the first day we made an omelette kind of a meal in a small restaurant, each of us for oneself. It was delicious though the timelag was still heavy on, I think, all of us. On Saturday it got a bit easier. We had a gorgeous Japanese (?) breakfast at the price of around 3 euros. Soup, two kinds of salad, a kind of tea I never quite got used to, rice, eggs, sausage. We shopped, there was a bookstore with quite a few storeys, one of which had books in english and other languages besides Japanese. Gaming. Karaoke, blur, queen, wonderful world, Japanese pop for those who had a clue about the language. Street shows. Photos. Engrish. Souvenirs. Milk. Tobacco smoke in game houses. The Japanese society has smoking issues. Tobacco is sold in vending machines.

I am no Japan or manga (etc.) enthusiast myself, and I don’t know the language. Alas, many of the cultural nuances were probably left unnoticed for me. I did get a lot out of it nevertheless; much of the fact is thanks to Bemmu, who arranged the trip in the first place. He knows the city and Japanese well enough that basically, whatever we wanted to do, we could.

We ate lots of more or less strange foods, though most of the time they were very edible indeed. I don’t remember any names though, thanks to the three scripts the Japanese use, none of which I know, and the strange sound of the language. I enjoyed grinning at the Engrish and the “philosophical” writings that were quite common on the streets. I loved the moment we spent in a tea house, sipping green tea and before that, eating the funny little cake — and trying to do this according to a sort of a traditional style. Instructions were given on paper. We also visited the Ghibli (Totoro, etc.) museum, though again, those who knew more about the subject enjoyed it a lot more than I.

The days were pretty full. A lot of it was just traveling around and seeing famous places. As The ones in our group who knew more about manga, anime or Japanese shopped for a lot of that stuff. Others bought electronics, which can be cheap, though new stuff is roughly the same price as in Finland. I got a Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ8 for about 28000 yen (just under 200 euros; it had been in demonstration use). It was fun trying to find a wall plug adapter for the camera, Sakari, one of us luckily knew what electricity is in Japanese so we went arond asking for a “denki adaptoo for juurop”. Finally found it, too, for about one euro (180 yen).

Towards the end of the week it somehow got a little lonely, though lots of people were around me most of the time. I was happy to meet Marlen from Switzerland (along with a Canadian guy whose name I fail to remember), who also stayed in our ryokan. On Wednesday we sat in a pub and later rented a karaoke room (a quite popular local hobby). They even had Fiona Apple! :).

On Thursday Arttu, Jonna and Miia from our traveling group joined us, and we found a more Japanese bar, the keeper and the other guests of which we got to know during the evening. Marlen knew Japanese, otherwise we couldn’t have communicated almost at all. It was so much fun, the barkeeper showed a photo of his son and told us that I look like him ^_^. We ate jellyfish and drank several kinds of drinks, and several middle aged men chatted with us, mostly about Japan and Finland. One of them, I understood he was psychologist, even offered flowers for all the girls we had with us there. Then he concluded “I won’t give any to the guys”, and everyone had a laugh :).

And then, yesterday, the farewell. Woke up at 5 a.m. Japanese time, the plane took of at 11 a.m., and we landed at Helsinki-Vantaa around 15:45, Finnish time.

The flight was an experience in itself for me, due to technical reasons :). The backs of seats had entertainment systems, allowing to enjoy a selection of movies, tv shows, music, games etc. The system itself made an impression: a simple gui with relatively original controls: a double-sided wired remote with a microphone and an orientation sensor. It also had a credit card reader, allowing phone calls and sending 2$/piece e-mails and SMS’s. Too bad it was buggy and I got it to crash, though thanks to that i found out it was Linux-based, seemingly a virtual machine of some kind.

September 22, 2007 04:34 in

Comments

Jonna Kettunen wrote on September 22, 2007 at 20:03:

Wow, mahtavia kuvia, mahtava kirjoitus matkasta ja kerta kaikkiaan MAHTAVA KOKONAISUUS! n__n

Yksi pieni virhe löytyi (..en minä ole liian pikkutarkka, e-hen..!), nimittäin baarireissultamme viimeisenä iltana. Psykologi/lääkäri ei antanut kukkia meille kauniimmille osapuolille, vaan se ensimmäinen mies, joka istahti sinne peräkammarin puolelle, missä mekin oltiin. Tosin, en hirveästi muista hänestä mitään, kun hän lähti melko aikaseen pois. Mutta anyway… u__U’

Toivottavasti tuo valaisi edes jonkun verran. :D

Ps. Teidän kanssa oli tosi hauskaa Japanissa! <3 meidän kaikkien pitää vielä tavata, eiks je?

pilpi (pilpi.net author) wrote on September 22, 2007 at 23:35:

Hihi, kiitos kommentista ja kehuista! :))

Joo muistelin että se oli se jälkimmäinen mies, koska tosiaan se eka lähti niin äkkiä. Noh… :)