I feel reaching out to God has been easier, too. To a great deal sharing faith with Salla-Maaria has helped in that. Really trusting is truly tricky still, though. (I would like to trust that God will give me that trust, but that seems awful lot like circular reasoning.) How to treat the agnostic in me, that boldly proclaims to be more honest than the believer? How to treat the believer in me, that nonetheless in everyday life continuously shows that life is not worth the while without believing?

Today the weather has been nice, too.

Want to see the below photos larger? Trip photos in Flickr or slideshow

I’ve been inviting people to see me during the last week for several occasions, and despite me trying to organize things, everybody came tonight. The surprise was great – I would have been stressed about it had I known beforehand. The party ended just minutes ago, and I feel I had nothing to do with organizing it. Vincent brought chairs, some drank tea, some vodka, some wine, some beer, but nobody seemed too drunk at any time (some pistachio shells flew around the room during the night though). I offered everything I had in the cabinets (pistachios, sunflower seeds, eggs, soup, …) and people brought their own stuff. Lukas made omelettes. Some French people joined in at one point of the evening.

They gave me a book with photos and writings and drawings from everybody as a gift, and I feel like I have gotten way much more attention than I ever could have deserved. I feel too glad about it all to be cynical, it was beautiful. They made me sad for the fact that I am leaving so soon. :) There was quite a mess here but people cleaned up before they left and told me they’re coming again at eight in the morning to help me clean up! (The cleaner lady will organize an inspection at ten in the morning.) Wow.

Tomorrow to Poland, at around 17 hours.

Thanks to my flu getting a bit better, decided to put some pics from the holidays online.

The contrast is somehow very strong at the moment: I am strong but I am so weak.

During the past months, I have further and further learned how to keep hold of myself, how to avoid bending too much and making too many compromises. Still, I am so often a leaf that just shivers. I am hoping this will keep me honest, at least. Any time I try to identify with something seemingly too strong, I just get lost, since it is not real. I need to be strong in weakness. But whose weakness, whose strength is that?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I quote this even though it seems I am distant from the weakness (or the boasting) Paul is talking about. I have gone far from the context of faith again myself, but still reading the Bible felt good now that chatting with Minna got me browsing around.